Toxic Thoughts

"Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein is not the best parenting book you can find, but it deals with an issue that I am growing more and more concerned of - my negative feelings and actions towards Sophie. Why am I so harsh on her if I love her half as much as I claim? Am I a bad parent because I have toxic thinking that leads to some pretty nasty episodes between Sophie and me ? Apparently not. Toxic thoughts are just distortions that impair our ability to understand our children, connect with them and problem solve for improve our situation. There are essentially 9 toxic thought patterns that I can easily identify with.

1. "Always or Never" Trap

Sometimes, Sophie behaves in such an irrational and unreasonable manner that I become overwhelmed with the whole situation. In order to make sense of her behaviour and reduce my own emotional stress and tension, I make statements like "... why are you always like this... " or "... you never listen...". In a way, I am creating the illusion that our problems are not fixable so I cannot really do anything about it. It is a language of giving up and losing faith since I don't know what else I can do anyway. However, according to the author, success in parenting comes from seeing our children's behaviours on a continuum of strengths and weaknesses. If I want to raise Sophie to be emotionally healthy and self reliant child, I must be able to accept her for who she wants to be rather than how I expect her to be.

2. Label Gluing

Of course, I label Sophie. I call her a "comedian" and even "headless chicken" at times when I really cannot stand her. Such labelling grows out of "always or never" thinking. There is no other way to explain her unstoppable mischief and failure in meeting my expectations so I tend to fix those as permanent traits in her. Unfortunately, I might have been demotivating her from making positive changes or improvements since children tend to live up or live down to their parents' expectations. Wonder if it is too much to hope for that it is just a phase she is going through? according to the author, such labels becomes part of the child's permanent identity and it is damaging to the self concept. It also perpetuates the very behaviour that we find objectable.

3. Seething Sarcasm

I am the queen of sarcasm (with pride) but I doubt I would appreciate this as much in Sophie if she ever picks it up from me. I bet I would regard her as "disrespectful" and "defiant" then. Sarcasm are what we don't really mean, mocking exaggerations or opposites implied through our tone of voice. Regretably, they are totally useless for effective communication. It hurts feelings and masks sensitive and vulnerable feelings. I will have to try my best to curtail my sarcasm.

4. Smothering Suspicions

Although I don't think it's applicable to Sophie and me at the moment, I feel that sometimes I do jump into conclusion about her in a negative way, especially in social settings. I worry a lot that she may hurt someone because she is careless or thoughtless, or offend someone with her antics. Often I am fearful of losing control over her when others are around. I cannot imagine what she may be up to if I am not there to leash her.

5. Detrimental Denial

I am definitely not guilty of this particular toxic thought. I think CK and our parents may be more prone to this than me. He tends to give excuses for her behaviours and puts the blame on others. Sophie needs to face reality and cope with consequences of her behaviours (both good and bad).

6. Emotional Overheating

I tend to flare up go into a frenzy fit when Sophie misbehaves and I fail to talk any sense into her. I am desperately trying to help her learn. Sometimes I am torn between letting her make mistakes and protecting her from disappointments. When things get really tough and I want to prevent it from escalating further, I shut down... literally. I ignore her totally even if she begs me to hug and comfort her. Indeed, I tend to react impulsively and impose very rigid expectation of full compliance from her. Such reactions from me might destroy her self-esteem. After each outburst, I often find the whole episode quite benign and unnecessary. As a result, Sophie is terrified of me.

7. Blame Blasting

I used to be quite careful with what I said to Sophie. However, I get very emotional ever since Alfee was born and I verbalise my dark thoughts more often than not. I tend to blame her for being so tired and frustrated all the time. I blame her for everything although I am the one who cannot manage time and two kids. I focus too much on finding the culprit rather than solutions of the problem.

8. "Should" Slamming

Sometimes, I go into my lists of "shoulds" and "musts" on her which inevitably makes her feel guilty and frustrated. Her good intentions, desires and strengths are ignored when I slam her with what I expect her to do, think and feel.

9. Dooming Conclusion

My friends will definitely agree that I am guilty for having thoughts of impending doom about my life, my kids and the world in general. I see all negative behaviours from Sophie as a sign for a more horrifying future to come. Unconsciously, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

So there you have it! I am at least guilty of 8 of the above toxic thinking patterns. I hope I am not running into copyright issues with this blog. I am writing about my own experience, based on what I read from his book. If that should be a problem, I will be more than willing to remove this entry. My next entry will be how I can manage this problem of mine and rebuild my relationship with Sophie.

To be cont'd...