OMG Tis 2012 Already?!

I feel really bad that I have not been updating the kid's blogs. It does not help that slide.com closed down and I lost all the pictures I had uploaded previously. I am wondering if I should just carry on blogging or start afresh with a new blog for the kids together. Regardless, I am back and hopefully, I can do a much better job in 2012 than 2011.

Happy New Year, folks!

OMG Tis 2012 Already?!

I feel reallybad that I have not been updating the kid's blogs. It does not help that slide.com closed down and I lost all the pictures I had uploaded previously. I am wondering if I should just carry on blogging or start afresh with a new blog for the kids together. Regardless, I am back and hopefully, I can do a much better job in 2012 than 2011.

Happy New Year, folks!

Serene's Big Day (Night)

I have been getting myself ready for Serene's big day and night since a month ago. Sounds funny? Well, I am a SAHM so my clothes are largely (quite literally) functional and I have no shoes or bags. Thus, CK wanted to me to do some serious shopping and dress nicely for the occasion (for a change).

We combed ION and found a dress and a cardigan for the church wedding. I had to take Alfee with me so I bought a pair of pumps to go with the dress. CK was a little disappointed that my shoes were from Pedal Works (Thomson Plaza) but I am not too particular about brands. Besides, I was desperate. They are not too bad, right? I mean, they went pretty well with my LV bag... if you do not look too closely. Who would scrutinize my shoes anyway?

I thought I look pretty decent. Then my spirits were dampened when I arrived at the wrong church. I panicked as we were already late and I could not get any cab. By the time I reached the church, it was 11.45am. We had missed the march in. Still, I managed to have quite a nice time gathering with my old friends.

The rest of the day was better. I checked again and took a picture of the wedding invitation just to make sure I would not go to the wrong venue again. I also hitched a ride from Lian Sim at Bishan, so I was safe.

I also managed to buy a red dress for the dinner. Again, I had to comb heartland malls for a nice, affordable bag and shoes. I bought myself this Guess bag at BHG (Bishan Junction 8). I hated the service (or lack of it) there but I was very very desperate. Still, I emailed CK a picture of the bag for approval. I could almost sense his eyeballs roll skyhigh, but I bought it anyway. Hey, it was affordable!

The shoes were from Charles & Keith (Serangoon Nex) and I bought them while waiting for Sophie to finish her ballet class. They were super high according to my current standards. But honestly, I cannot find anything else that look decent enough, not in my size. Sophie was absolutely delighted to wear my new heels and walk around in them.

At 5.30pm, Betty, my make-up artist and hairstylist arrived. I must admit that I was hoping for a "wow" but she was just alright in her skills. Her strength is obviously on make-up, not hairstyling. I had to point out several problems with her make-up but overall, she was still okay. I am a wee bit more critical maybe because I have a professional make-up diploma even though I do not actively use it.

In any case, the dinner was wonderful. The food was surprising good and not quite the usual stuff you get from wedding dinner. I am sure Serene made sure it was different, knowing how particular she is with food. Her gown were beautiful as well. She looked so radiant and stunning despite her fatigue and stress.

We did not take many pictures. I am relying on her professional photographer, Mabel Lee (mine as well back in 2005), for some good shots. We knew Serene when she went into contract teaching in NCPS. She was very young, barely out of her teens. I still remember how she came to school in traditional costume on the first day and got chided by our principal then. After that, we included her in our "circle" and became good colleagues and friends. Now, she is all grown up and married. We are all so happy for her.

Serene's Big Day (Night)

I have been getting myself ready for Serene's big day and night since a month ago. Sounds funny? Well, I am a SAHM so my clothes are largely (quite literally) functional and I have no shoes or bags. Thus, CK wanted to me to do some serious shopping and dress nicely for the occasion (for a change).

We combed ION and found a dress and a cardigan for the church wedding. I had to take Alfee with me so I bought a pair of pumps to go with the dress. CK was a little disappointed that my shoes were from Pedal Works (Thomson Plaza) but I am not too particular about brands. Besides, I was desperate. They are not too bad, right? I mean, they went pretty well with my LV bag... if you do not look too closely. Who would scrutinize my shoes anyway?

I thought I look pretty decent. Then my spirits were dampened when I arrived at the wrong church. I panicked as we were already late and I could not get any cab. By the time I reached the church, it was 11.45am. We had missed the march in. Still, I managed to have quite a nice time gathering with my old friends.

The rest of the day was better. I checked again and took a picture of the wedding invitation just to make sure I would not go to the wrong venue again. I also hitched a ride from Lian Sim at Bishan, so I was safe.

I also managed to buy a red dress for the dinner. Again, I had to comb heartland malls for a nice, affordable bag and shoes. I bought myself this Guess bag at BHG (Bishan Junction 8). I hated the service (or lack of it) there but I was very very desperate. Still, I emailed CK a picture of the bag for approval. I could almost sense his eyeballs roll skyhigh, but I bought it anyway. Hey, it was affordable!

The shoes were from Charles & Keith (Serangoon Nex) and I bought them while waiting for Sophie to finish her ballet class. They were super high according to my current standards. But honestly, I cannot find anything else that look decent enough, not in my size. Sophie was absolutely delighted to wear my new heels and walk around in them.

At 5.30pm, Betty, my make-up artist and hairstylist arrived. I must admit that I was hoping for a "wow" but she was just alright in her skills. Her strength is obviously on make-up, not hairstyling. I had to point out several problems with her make-up but overall, she was still okay. I am a wee bit more critical maybe because I have a professional make-up diploma even though I do not actively use it.

In any case, the dinner was wonderful. The food was surprising good and not quite the usual stuff you get from wedding dinner. I am sure Serene made sure it was different, knowing how particular she is with food. Her gown were beautiful as well. She looked so radiant and stunning despite her fatigue and stress.

We did not take many pictures. I am relying on her professional photographer, Mabel Lee (mine as well back in 2005), for some good shots. We knew Serene when she went into contract teaching in NCPS. She was very young, barely out of her teens. I still remember how she came to school in traditional costume on the first day and got chided by our principal then. After that, we included her in our "circle" and became good colleagues and friends. Now, she is all grown up and married. We are all so happy for her.

Be mindful

So how exactly can we be mindful about our toxic thoughts so that we can react with more maturity towards our children in difficult times? I am definitely hopeful that I do not become a depressed or discouraged because of the stress of parenting. And most certainly, I do not want to be a short fused mum. We must start getting into the thought-finding habit since thinking patterns are habits too.

(Based on "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein)

4-Step Plan to Tune In to Toxic Thoughts

1. Listen to your toxic thoughts

· Listen for language of toxic thinking, e.g. “never” or “always”

· Give yourself reminder

· Write it down

· Keep our feelings out of the way

2. Pay attention to how we feel physically, e.g. sweaty palms, headaches, ringing of ears, loud voice or fatigue

· Know how it feels to be tensed and relaxed

· We are so tensed that we often think it is normal and healthy

· When tensed, find the source

3. Determine your triggers for toxic thinking

· Suspend ourselves from ceiling (step out and mentally watch our interaction with our children as it occurs)

· Keep track of power struggles and conflicts

· Realise stressors will change

4. Remain calm

With the awareness of toxic thoughts, we can deal with them better. Mindful parenting takes discipline, effort and maturity. Alternative thoughts will lead to alternative outcomes. We need to prove to ourselves that toxic thoughts are not real, but distortions.

· Find 3 exceptions to the behaviour

· Pretend we are not the parents

· Remember the big picture

· Write it down (positive stuff about ourselves and the child to buffer during challenging times)

We need to eye the prize (outcome) of our effort to eliminate toxic thoughts. It is not going to be easy but we can give ourselves prep talk, visualise an alternative ending, or use a mantra to get by.

Be mindful

So how exactly can we be mindful about our toxic thoughts so that we can react with more maturity towards our children in difficult times? I am definitely hopeful that I do not become a depressed or discouraged because of the stress of parenting. And most certainly, I do not want to be a short fused mum. We must start getting into the thought-finding habit since thinking patterns are habits too.

(Based on "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein)

4-Step Plan to Tune In to Toxic Thoughts

1. Listen to your toxic thoughts

· Listen for language of toxic thinking, e.g. “never” or “always”
· Give yourself reminder
· Write it down
· Keep our feelings out of the way

2. Pay attention to how we feel physically, e.g. sweaty palms, headaches, ringing of ears, loud voice or fatigue

· Know how it feels to be tensed and relaxed
· We are so tensed that we often think it is normal and healthy
· When tensed, find the source

3. Determine your triggers for toxic thinking

· Suspend ourselves from ceiling (step out and mentally watch our interaction with our children as it occurs)
· Keep track of power struggles and conflicts
· Realise stressors will change

4. Remain calm

With the awareness of toxic thoughts, we can deal with them better. Mindful parenting takes discipline, effort and maturity. Alternative thoughts will lead to alternative outcomes. We need to prove to ourselves that toxic thoughts are not real, but distortions.

· Find 3 exceptions to the behaviour
· Pretend we are not the parents
· Remember the big picture
· Write it down (positive stuff about ourselves and the child to buffer during challenging times)

We need to eye the prize (outcome) of our effort to eliminate toxic thoughts. It is not going to be easy but we can give ourselves prep talk, visualise an alternative ending, or use a mantra to get by.

How To Deal With Parental Stress

Parental stress is inescapable and managing it is the first step to breaking the vicious cycle of toxic thinking. According to the author, there are 17 strategies to lower our anxiety and relax our mind so that we can manage our toxic thoughts.

1. Breathe your way to a clear mind

2. Parent the young dude (or dudette) with gratitude

3. Give yourself the power of positive energy

4. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that can happen?"

5. Be prepared

6. Write it down (be organized)

7. Exercise

8. Don't believe in wasted time

9. You "really need" what?

10. Be flexible in your outlook

11. Get enough sleep

12. Write about it (journal)

13. Talk it out

14. Talk less is good, too

15. Do for others

16. Take a time-out

17. Get away any way you can

As much as I would like to elaborate more on each strategy, I really should not risk becoming too long winded. After all, these are not new ideas and thus, everyone (including myself) should not have any problem applying them. If anyone would want to learn more, please read "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

How To Deal With Parental Stress

Parental stress is inescapable and managing it is the first step to breaking the vicious cycle of toxic thinking. According to the author, there are 17 strategies to lower our anxiety and relax our mind so that we can manage our toxic thoughts.

1. Breathe your way to a clear mind

2. Parent the young dude (or dudette) with gratitude

3. Give yourself the power of positive energy

4. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that can happen?"

5. Be prepared

6. Write it down (be organized)

7. Exercise

8. Don't believe in wasted time

9. You "really need" what?

10. Be flexible in your outlook

11. Get enough sleep

12. Write about it (journal)

13. Talk it out

14. Talk less is good, too

15. Do for others

16. Take a time-out

17. Get away any way you can

As much as I would like to elaborate more on each strategy, I really should not risk becoming too long winded. After all, these are not new ideas and thus, everyone (including myself) should not have any problem applying them. If anyone would want to learn more, please read "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

Toxic Thoughts

"Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein is not the best parenting book you can find, but it deals with an issue that I am growing more and more concerned of - my negative feelings and actions towards Sophie. Why am I so harsh on her if I love her half as much as I claim? Am I a bad parent because I have toxic thinking that leads to some pretty nasty episodes between Sophie and me ? Apparently not. Toxic thoughts are just distortions that impair our ability to understand our children, connect with them and problem solve for improve our situation. There are essentially 9 toxic thought patterns that I can easily identify with.

1. "Always or Never" Trap

Sometimes, Sophie behaves in such an irrational and unreasonable manner that I become overwhelmed with the whole situation. In order to make sense of her behaviour and reduce my own emotional stress and tension, I make statements like "... why are you always like this... " or "... you never listen...". In a way, I am creating the illusion that our problems are not fixable so I cannot really do anything about it. It is a language of giving up and losing faith since I don't know what else I can do anyway. However, according to the author, success in parenting comes from seeing our children's behaviours on a continuum of strengths and weaknesses. If I want to raise Sophie to be emotionally healthy and self reliant child, I must be able to accept her for who she wants to be rather than how I expect her to be.

2. Label Gluing

Of course, I label Sophie. I call her a "comedian" and even "headless chicken" at times when I really cannot stand her. Such labelling grows out of "always or never" thinking. There is no other way to explain her unstoppable mischief and failure in meeting my expectations so I tend to fix those as permanent traits in her. Unfortunately, I might have been demotivating her from making positive changes or improvements since children tend to live up or live down to their parents' expectations. Wonder if it is too much to hope for that it is just a phase she is going through? according to the author, such labels becomes part of the child's permanent identity and it is damaging to the self concept. It also perpetuates the very behaviour that we find objectable.

3. Seething Sarcasm

I am the queen of sarcasm (with pride) but I doubt I would appreciate this as much in Sophie if she ever picks it up from me. I bet I would regard her as "disrespectful" and "defiant" then. Sarcasm are what we don't really mean, mocking exaggerations or opposites implied through our tone of voice. Regretably, they are totally useless for effective communication. It hurts feelings and masks sensitive and vulnerable feelings. I will have to try my best to curtail my sarcasm.

4. Smothering Suspicions

Although I don't think it's applicable to Sophie and me at the moment, I feel that sometimes I do jump into conclusion about her in a negative way, especially in social settings. I worry a lot that she may hurt someone because she is careless or thoughtless, or offend someone with her antics. Often I am fearful of losing control over her when others are around. I cannot imagine what she may be up to if I am not there to leash her.

5. Detrimental Denial

I am definitely not guilty of this particular toxic thought. I think CK and our parents may be more prone to this than me. He tends to give excuses for her behaviours and puts the blame on others. Sophie needs to face reality and cope with consequences of her behaviours (both good and bad).

6. Emotional Overheating

I tend to flare up go into a frenzy fit when Sophie misbehaves and I fail to talk any sense into her. I am desperately trying to help her learn. Sometimes I am torn between letting her make mistakes and protecting her from disappointments. When things get really tough and I want to prevent it from escalating further, I shut down... literally. I ignore her totally even if she begs me to hug and comfort her. Indeed, I tend to react impulsively and impose very rigid expectation of full compliance from her. Such reactions from me might destroy her self-esteem. After each outburst, I often find the whole episode quite benign and unnecessary. As a result, Sophie is terrified of me.

7. Blame Blasting

I used to be quite careful with what I said to Sophie. However, I get very emotional ever since Alfee was born and I verbalise my dark thoughts more often than not. I tend to blame her for being so tired and frustrated all the time. I blame her for everything although I am the one who cannot manage time and two kids. I focus too much on finding the culprit rather than solutions of the problem.

8. "Should" Slamming

Sometimes, I go into my lists of "shoulds" and "musts" on her which inevitably makes her feel guilty and frustrated. Her good intentions, desires and strengths are ignored when I slam her with what I expect her to do, think and feel.

9. Dooming Conclusion

My friends will definitely agree that I am guilty for having thoughts of impending doom about my life, my kids and the world in general. I see all negative behaviours from Sophie as a sign for a more horrifying future to come. Unconsciously, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

So there you have it! I am at least guilty of 8 of the above toxic thinking patterns. I hope I am not running into copyright issues with this blog. I am writing about my own experience, based on what I read from his book. If that should be a problem, I will be more than willing to remove this entry. My next entry will be how I can manage this problem of mine and rebuild my relationship with Sophie.

To be cont'd...

Toxic Thoughts

"Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein is not the best parenting book you can find, but it deals with an issue that I am growing more and more concerned of - my negative feelings and actions towards Sophie. Why am I so harsh on her if I love her half as much as I claim? Am I a bad parent because I have toxic thinking that leads to some pretty nasty episodes between Sophie and me ? Apparently not. Toxic thoughts are just distortions that impair our ability to understand our children, connect with them and problem solve for improve our situation. There are essentially 9 toxic thought patterns that I can easily identify with.

1. "Always or Never" Trap

Sometimes, Sophie behaves in such an irrational and unreasonable manner that I become overwhelmed with the whole situation. In order to make sense of her behaviour and reduce my own emotional stress and tension, I make statements like "... why are you always like this... " or "... you never listen...". In a way, I am creating the illusion that our problems are not fixable so I cannot really do anything about it. It is a language of giving up and losing faith since I don't know what else I can do anyway. However, according to the author, success in parenting comes from seeing our children's behaviours on a continuum of strengths and weaknesses. If I want to raise Sophie to be emotionally healthy and self reliant child, I must be able to accept her for who she wants to be rather than how I expect her to be.

2. Label Gluing

Of course, I label Sophie. I call her a "comedian" and even "headless chicken" at times when I really cannot stand her. Such labelling grows out of "always or never" thinking. There is no other way to explain her unstoppable mischief and failure in meeting my expectations so I tend to fix those as permanent traits in her. Unfortunately, I might have been demotivating her from making positive changes or improvements since children tend to live up or live down to their parents' expectations. Wonder if it is too much to hope for that it is just a phase she is going through? according to the author, such labels becomes part of the child's permanent identity and it is damaging to the self concept. It also perpetuates the very behaviour that we find objectable.

3. Seething Sarcasm

I am the queen of sarcasm (with pride) but I doubt I would appreciate this as much in Sophie if she ever picks it up from me. I bet I would regard her as "disrespectful" and "defiant" then. Sarcasm are what we don't really mean, mocking exaggerations or opposites implied through our tone of voice. Regretably, they are totally useless for effective communication. It hurts feelings and masks sensitive and vulnerable feelings. I will have to try my best to curtail my sarcasm.

4. Smothering Suspicions

Although I don't think it's applicable to Sophie and me at the moment, I feel that sometimes I do jump into conclusion about her in a negative way, especially in social settings. I worry a lot that she may hurt someone because she is careless or thoughtless, or offend someone with her antics. Often I am fearful of losing control over her when others are around. I cannot imagine what she may be up to if I am not there to leash her.

5. Detrimental Denial

I am definitely not guilty of this particular toxic thought. I think CK and our parents may be more prone to this than me. He tends to give excuses for her behaviours and puts the blame on others. Sophie needs to face reality and cope with consequences of her behaviours (both good and bad).

6. Emotional Overheating

I tend to flare up go into a frenzy fit when Sophie misbehaves and I fail to talk any sense into her. I am desperately trying to help her learn. Sometimes I am torn between letting her make mistakes and protecting her from disappointments. When things get really tough and I want to prevent it from escalating further, I shut down... literally. I ignore her totally even if she begs me to hug and comfort her. Indeed, I tend to react impulsively and impose very rigid expectation of full compliance from her. Such reactions from me might destroy her self-esteem. After each outburst, I often find the whole episode quite benign and unnecessary. As a result, Sophie is terrified of me.

7. Blame Blasting

I used to be quite careful with what I said to Sophie. However, I get very emotional ever since Alfee was born and I verbalise my dark thoughts more often than not. I tend to blame her for being so tired and frustrated all the time. I blame her for everything although I am the one who cannot manage time and two kids. I focus too much on finding the culprit rather than solutions of the problem.

8. "Should" Slamming

Sometimes, I go into my lists of "shoulds" and "musts" on her which inevitably makes her feel guilty and frustrated. Her good intentions, desires and strengths are ignored when I slam her with what I expect her to do, think and feel.

9. Dooming Conclusion

My friends will definitely agree that I am guilty for having thoughts of impending doom about my life, my kids and the world in general. I see all negative behaviours from Sophie as a sign for a more horrifying future to come. Unconsciously, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

So there you have it! I am at least guilty of 8 of the above toxic thinking patterns. I hope I am not running into copyright issues with this blog. I am writing about my own experience, based on what I read from his book. If that should be a problem, I will be more than willing to remove this entry. My next entry will be how I can manage this problem of mine and rebuild my relationship with Sophie.

To be cont'd...

PFS

I went to NEX with KK last Wednesday for kopi and we toured the library after that. The library was new and the selection was encouraging. My interest in library has been consequently rekindled. A book caught my eye straight away and the title is "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

Those who know me probably understand why I am particularly driven to read this book. Sophie has been my constant challenge for sanity. I find myself asking why I just cannot keep my cool with her and I feel like a failure as a mother and a teacher. I cannot teach her anything except my daily frustrations and desperation. I cannot look her in the eye without showing my disapproval for whatever she is doing or failing to do. Honestly, I fear that one day she will stop loving me and I will lose her. After all, I am not as “fun” to be with and I am always the one to discipline her.

I have been told too often that my expectations for her are too high so I am never satisfied with her progress and performance. It may be all true but it also makes me feel very guilty and excuses her from all responsibilities. It suggests that the problem lies with me – the mother. Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine with her. Well, that’s probably because no one feels as responsible for her well being, education, and future as me. I have the whole weight of her success or failure in life on my shoulders. And of course, it does not help when others casually make remarks, attributing her behaviour to me.

In the book, the author discussed the Parent Frustration Syndrome (PFS), something every parent would inevitably experience but struggle to admit openly and deal with honestly. We love our children (of course) yet we really cannot stand their behaviour or traits. For Sophie and me, we are in a “love-hate relationship” (we love each other but we can’t stand each other).

And this PFS is fuelled by our own toxic thoughts, which has a powerful impact and influence on how we feel and react in our interaction with our children. They create their own reality and drive toxic behaviours in families. In short, we need to be aware of such toxic thoughts and start doing something about it so that they will not take control of our lives. Ultimately, the success of our parenting is driven by how we view and react to our children, especially during challenging times. And we do have the freedom to choose how we think, feel and react towards our children. For instance, we can do self-talk.

When I was expecting Sophie and doing my masters in counselling, I promised her (and myself) not to be a toxic parent. I wanted to be the best mum ever for her and give her a wonderful childhood. All well and good until our world expanded and others come into play. When the "Jones" moved in, our relationship fell apart. I started expecting more from her and she began to rebel in her own way. Now I have become a terror. She is fearful of me and my anger. I have become a toxic parent with toxic thoughts. Despite all, I doubt anyone understands what I am going through. I have so much anger, fears and guilt that I am never truly happy at all.

To be cont'd...

PFS

I went to NEX with KK last Wednesday for kopi and we toured the library after that. The library was new and the selection was encouraging. My interest in library has been consequently rekindled. A book caught my eye straight away and the title is "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

Those who know me probably understand why I am particularly driven to read this book. Sophie has been my constant challenge for sanity. I find myself asking why I just cannot keep my cool with her and I feel like a failure as a mother and a teacher. I cannot teach her anything except my daily frustrations and desperation. I cannot look her in the eye without showing my disapproval for whatever she is doing or failing to do. Honestly, I fear that one day she will stop loving me and I will lose her. After all, I am not as “fun” to be with and I am always the one to discipline her.

I have been told too often that my expectations for her are too high so I am never satisfied with her progress and performance. It may be all true but it also makes me feel very guilty and excuses her from all responsibilities. It suggests that the problem lies with me – the mother. Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine with her. Well, that’s probably because no one feels as responsible for her well being, education, and future as me. I have the whole weight of her success or failure in life on my shoulders. And of course, it does not help when others casually make remarks, attributing her behaviour to me.

In the book, the author discussed the Parent Frustration Syndrome (PFS), something every parent would inevitably experience but struggle to admit openly and deal with honestly. We love our children (of course) yet we really cannot stand their behaviour or traits. For Sophie and me, we are in a “love-hate relationship” (we love each other but we can’t stand each other).

And this PFS is fuelled by our own toxic thoughts, which has a powerful impact and influence on how we feel and react in our interaction with our children. They create their own reality and drive toxic behaviours in families. In short, we need to be aware of such toxic thoughts and start doing something about it so that they will not take control of our lives. Ultimately, the success of our parenting is driven by how we view and react to our children, especially during challenging times. And we do have the freedom to choose how we think, feel and react towards our children. For instance, we can do self-talk.

When I was expecting Sophie and doing my masters in counselling, I promised her (and myself) not to be a toxic parent. I wanted to be the best mum ever for her and give her a wonderful childhood. All well and good until our world expanded and others come into play. When the "Jones" moved in, our relationship fell apart. I started expecting more from her and she began to rebel in her own way. Now I have become a terror. She is fearful of me and my anger. I have become a toxic parent with toxic thoughts. Despite all, I doubt anyone understands what I am going through. I have so much anger, fears and guilt that I am never truly happy at all.

To be cont'd...

Restless...

I feel very frustrated by the price war going on in the children books market! There is some fishy stuff going on in the industry apparently. Although consumers always benefit from price war among sellers, people who have already spent good money on the same items (like myself) often suffer (sometimes psychologically)! 

Let me make myself clear. Usually, suppliers (local or overseas) distribute their books to local bookstores and schools, the books are priced accordingly to cover the cost of copyright, printing, shipping, shop rental and sale persons etc. Occasionally, you find major distributors also selling books to individuals directly, so they can charge cheaper (no middle man, shop rental and etc). All fine and good, I suppose. It depends on the buyers to be educated and source for the best price. 

Nowadays, consumers are flocking to online bookstores, bulk purchases and overseas sprees for cheaper alternatives. The savings can be quite substantial (sometimes up to 50%), not to mention that some of the items cannot even be found in our local market. Now, I am quite keen on finding the best deals for children books because we do not visit libraries (pathetic from variety to quantity to service to policy) and children outgrow their books very quickly which means we have to keep buying suitable books. However, I am also skeptical about "cheap" deals. Nothing, to me, comes cheap without a "buyers beware" tag behind. 

So beware buyers... If it is very cheap, it is released a year or more ago and the distributors or sellers need to clear stock. Sometimes, it does not matter because the books are classic anyway. However, certain books are updated and even amended in their latest edition so buyers beware. I would not buy a book about our solar system if Pluto is still a planet. Of course, some books are also too yellowish and old to sell at their usual price. I mean, some sellers even admit candidly that their prices are slashed because they have stocks to clear. Sometimes, the books are no longer in print and the "set" sold by these sellers are actually incomplete. Mind you, "10 books in a set" is not the same as "complete set of 10 books"! Another possible reason for price cut - errors in print. Personally, I have bought bilingual or chinese books with very misleading or even mistakes in translations. 

In short, be careful and look for the history of the seller. Any complaints? Any problems such as delays in shipping or delivery etc? Sometimes, the book may be very cheap (first payment), but the shipping (second payment) may end up a few times more costly than the book itself. Also, keep your correspondence open and public so that you can help inform one another and understand the procedure and potential issues involved. Check the terms and conditions, you will find that all sellers tell you they will not not be responsible for anything with their goods and you "must be comfortable with the terms and conditions" aka "buy at your own risk"! Of course, these sellers are also not obligated to keep your mailing details confidential. It is common to see sellers acting unprofessionally. When it comes to terms and conditions or when a problem arises, they refer you back to the "agreement" and "declaimer". But if they fail to reply your enquiry promptly or there is some delay in delivery, for instance, they will give you ":P" and say "sorry hor, it has been a busy week for me, so..." etc. Totally unprofessional. 

If you still feel "safe" buying from them, always do some checks on the items before you make the purchase. Ask for date of release, ISBN or anything that can help you search for its retail price in major bookstores. Research for book reviews and check for future publications before deciding if they are worth buying. I am speaking from experience (mistakes) and I have nothing to gain from sharing my views on this industry. Of course, there are also genuine and good sellers out there so good luck and happy shopping! Time to go on a spree again!!!

Restless...

I feel very frustrated by the price war going on in the children books market! There is some fishy stuff going on in the industry apparently. Although consumers always benefit from price war among sellers, people who have already spent good money on the same items (like myself) often suffer (sometimes psychologically)!

Let me make myself clear. Usually, suppliers (local or overseas) distribute their books to local bookstores and schools, the books are priced accordingly to cover the cost of copyright, printing, shipping, shop rental and sale persons etc. Occasionally, you find major distributors also selling books to individuals directly, so they can charge cheaper (no middle man, shop rental and etc). All fine and good, I suppose. It depends on the buyers to be educated and source for the best price.

Nowadays, consumers are flocking to online bookstores, bulk purchases and overseas sprees for cheaper alternatives. The savings can be quite substantial (sometimes up to 50%), not to mention that some of the items cannot even be found in our local market. Now, I am quite keen on finding the best deals for children books because we do not visit libraries (pathetic from variety to quantity to service to policy) and children outgrow their books very quickly which means we have to keep buying suitable books. However, I am also skeptical about "cheap" deals. Nothing, to me, comes cheap without a "buyers beware" tag behind.

So beware buyers... If it is very cheap, it is released a year or more ago and the distributors or sellers need to clear stock. Sometimes, it does not matter because the books are classic anyway. However, certain books are updated and even amended in their latest edition so buyers beware. I would not buy a book about our solar system if Pluto is still a planet. Of course, some books are also too yellowish and old to sell at their usual price. I mean, some sellers even admit candidly that their prices are slashed because they have stocks to clear. Sometimes, the books are no longer in print and the "set" sold by these sellers are actually incomplete. Mind you, "10 books in a set" is not the same as "complete set of 10 books"! Another possible reason for price cut - errors in print. Personally, I have bought bilingual or chinese books with very misleading or even mistakes in translations.

In short, be careful and look for the history of the seller. Any complaints? Any problems such as delays in shipping or delivery etc? Sometimes, the book may be very cheap (first payment), but the shipping (second payment) may end up a few times more costly than the book itself. Also, keep your correspondence open and public so that you can help inform one another and understand the procedure and potential issues involved. Check the terms and conditions, you will find that all sellers tell you they will not not be responsible for anything with their goods and you "must be comfortable with the terms and conditions" aka "buy at your own risk"! Of course, these sellers are also not obligated to keep your mailing details confidential. It is common to see sellers acting unprofessionally. When it comes to terms and conditions or when a problem arises, they refer you back to the "agreement" and "declaimer". But if they fail to reply your enquiry promptly or there is some delay in delivery, for instance, they will give you ":P" and say "sorry hor, it has been a busy week for me, so..." etc. Totally unprofessional.

If you still feel "safe" buying from them, always do some checks on the items before you make the purchase. Ask for date of release, ISBN or anything that can help you search for its retail price in major bookstores. Research for book reviews and check for future publications before deciding if they are worth buying. I am speaking from experience (mistakes) and I have nothing to gain from sharing my views on this industry. Of course, there are also genuine and good sellers out there so good luck and happy shopping! Time to go on a spree again!!!

Excuse Me...

There are 5 main scapegoats responsible for the cryogenic suspension of my blogs and until now, I still have little success in their resuscitation.

1. Alfee, my little man. First, it was my pregancy with him. It was all about self care and Sophie's emotional well-being then so I hardly have any energy left for blogging. Then after he was born, it was tough to juggle caring for two kids and lots of sibling rivalry from Sophie. Blogging just was not my priority.

2. I-ism (IPod, IPad and Iphone). They are so user-friendly and convenient that my laptop becomes totally annoying to use. The only problem, I cannot blog with any of them!

3. Facebook. My friends are on FB more often than my blog so naturally, it makes more sense to post on FB rather than on my blogs. And it is so easy to upload, of course. At the end of the day, I want the most efficient way of posting and blogging is just too time-consuming.

4. Papa. Recently, he lost 3 months of my photographs (picture folder) when he transferred it to my portable harddrive. We need to retrieve it with some PC doctor but I cannot leave my laptop with someone else (who knows what he will retrieve?). Now there is a gap in records so I cannot function properly! (I did say they are scapegoats, right?

5. Recently, I did some work for TheAsianParent (yet to be paid!) so I am not sure how to blog about it so that I will not infringe copyright.

I am still trying my best to somehow go back to blogging. It does not help that we are in midlife crisis now and we just want to shop shop and shop our time away. I have been buying so much stuff that I am running out of closet space in my apartment! As though I am making up for lost time (or shopping). Okay, no time to waste... time to shop online again!

Excuse Me...

There are 5 main scapegoats responsible for the cryogenic suspension of my blogs and until now, I still have little success in their resuscitation.

1. Alfee, my little man. First, it was my pregancy with him. It was all about self care and Sophie's emotional well-being then so I hardly have any energy left for blogging. Then after he was born, it was tough to juggle caring for two kids and lots of sibling rivalry from Sophie. Blogging just was not my priority.

2. I-ism (IPod, IPad and Iphone). They are so user-friendly and convenient that my laptop becomes totally annoying to use. The only problem, I cannot blog with any of them!

3. Facebook. My friends are on FB more often than my blog so naturally, it makes more sense to post on FB rather than on my blogs. And it is so easy to upload, of course. At the end of the day, I want the most efficient way of posting and blogging is just too time-consuming.

4. Papa. Recently, he lost 3 months of my photographs (picture folder) when he transferred it to my portable harddrive. We need to retrieve it with some PC doctor but I cannot leave my laptop with someone else (who knows what he will retrieve?). Now there is a gap in records so I cannot function properly! (I did say they are scapegoats, right?

5. Recently, I did some work for TheAsianParent (yet to be paid!) so I am not sure how to blog about it so that I will not infringe copyright.

I am still trying my best to somehow go back to blogging. It does not help that we are in midlife crisis now and we just want to shop shop and shop our time away. I have been buying so much stuff that I am running out of closet space in my apartment! As though I am making up for lost time (or shopping). Okay, no time to waste... time to shop online again!

Meet Alexander & Berkeley

We went shopping at Takashimaya and on impulse, I let CK buy me a handbag. The original plan was to shop for a leather briefcase as my anniversary cum birthday present for him, but he convinced me that I needed a handbag as well. As a result, we are now happy but slightly embarrassed owners of Alexander and Berkeley by Louis Vuitton.

Mummy Woes

I wish I was ignorant. Then I wouldn't know my mother's love for her children. Her yearning heart for her grandchildren's laughter. And her growing pain that separates them.

I wish I was ignorant. Then I couldn't see my own inadequacy. My futile struggle to make things right. And my guilt that gnaws at me.

But I am not ignorant and I thank God for that. For I know I am just a mere mortal with earthly strengths and flaws. That I have my loved ones in mind when I pray.

Mummy Woes

I wish I was ignorant. Then I wouldn't know my mother's love for her children. Her yearning heart for her grandchildren's laughter. And her growing pain that separates them.

I wish I was ignorant. Then I couldn't see my own inadequacy. My futile struggle to make things right. And my guilt that gnaws at me.

But I am not ignorant and I thank God for that. For I know I am just a mere mortal with earthly strengths and flaws. That I have my loved ones in mind when I pray.

Migraine

My goodness! I was really exhausted because of Sophie and Alfee, but I did not realise just how badly my body needed a rest. One moment I was reading a parenting book and the next I was seeing nothing but blackness and flashes of light. I thought my eyes were tired, but they did not get better after a few minutes. instead, the blackness grew bigger. I panicked. I quickly close my eyes to rest, only to allow my senses to detect a dull but intensifying pain above my eyes. And the familiar nausea that hit me right in the stomach. I knew then, I was having a migraine attack.

Fearing that it may escalate into a full blown episode again, I headed for the showers, wolfed down a bun and Panadol, smeared medicated oil on my forehead and did a timeout on myself. After an hour or so, I lost the pain and I could see again. However, I know it was still lurking around so I quickly settle my kids for the day and rested. I never experience such an attack and I hope I was right that it was just an migraine.

Migraine

My goodness! I was really exhausted because of Sophie and Alfee, but I did not realise just how badly my body needed a rest. One moment I was reading a parenting book and the next I was seeing nothing but blackness and flashes of light. I thought my eyes were tired, but they did not get better after a few minutes. instead, the blackness grew bigger. I panicked. I quickly close my eyes to rest, only to allow my senses to detect a dull but intensifying pain above my eyes. And the familiar nausea that hit me right in the stomach. I knew then, I was having a migraine attack.

Fearing that it may escalate into a full blown episode again, I headed for the showers, wolfed down a bun and Panadol, smeared medicated oil on my forehead and did a timeout on myself. After an hour or so, I lost the pain and I could see again. However, I know it was still lurking around so I quickly settle my kids for the day and rested. I never experience such an attack and I hope I was right that it was just an migraine.

Bugs

Here's a season to lose sleep... Bad weather and new term, Sophie is down again with fever and cough. Second one since school begins. Somehow her body can't cope with the new routine (half the term gone already), so she just succumbs to bugs... Hopefully Alfee would be spared! He is due for jabs next week and I m still a little traumatized by what happened the last time we did it (fever, UTI, antibiotics, scan and MCU etc). Just had a nightmare and I can shake the image off! Usually I am able to know it's a dream but I was too tired just now to tell apart dreams and reality...Checked on Sophie and found her cold little body curled like a prawn. She kicked off her blanket and her fever broke, so she was shivering. When we co-sleep, she would just hug me for warm (maybe the other way round). But now I have to separate Alfee and her... The bed seems too big now.

Season To Lose Sleep

Here's a season to lose sleep... Bad weather and new term, Sophie is down again with fever and cough. Second one since school begins. Somehow her body can't cope with the new routine (half the term gone already), so she just succumbs to bugs...

Hopefully Alfee wld b spared! He is due for jabs next week and I m still a little traumatized by what happened the last time we did it (fever, UTI, antibiotics, scan and MCU etc). Just had a nightmare and I can shake the image off! Usually I m able to know it's a dream but I was too tired just now to tell apart dreams and reality...

Checked on Sophie and found her cold little body curled like a prawn. She kicked off her blanket and her fever broke, so she was shivering. When we co-sleep, she would just hug me for warm (maybe the other way round). But now I have to separate Alfee and her... The bed seems too big now.

A Dream Come True?

After Sophie was born, I started hoping for a job that allows me to work from home. Despite all, I still want to work and I have not been able to find any job since then. Recently, I saw an ad in Facebook for freelance writer so I quickly wrote in. I did not think my chances were high because the response was overwhelming. Yet, I received a message last week by the editor that she likes my work (mainly blogs and crafts) and she wants me to write for them. Imagine my excitement! Nothing confirmed but I am expecting some assignments soon. I love the feeling that I can be contributing economically again! And to do what I enjoy - craft and writing! I am so lucky.

A Dream Come True?

After Sophie was born, I started hoping for a job that allows me to work from home. Despite all, I still want to work and I have not been able to find any job since then. Recently, I saw an ad in Facebook for freelance writer so I quickly wrote in. I did not think my chances were high because the response was overwhelming. Yet, I received a message last week by the editor that she likes my work (mainly blogs and crafts) and she wants me to write for them. Imagine my excitement! Nothing confirmed but I am expecting some assignments soon. I love the feeling that I can be contributing economically again! And to do what I enjoy - craft and writing! I am so lucky.

Not Enriching Enough

Sophie has been enrolled in 3 different enrichment classes - I Can Read (Bukit Timah Plaza), Act 3 (Cairnhill), and Berries (Bishan CPF Building). And we are withdrawing from Berries and I Can Read, we are still considering Act 3. Here's why although it is largely our own opinion.

After 9 sessions at I Can Read, we decided that the branch is not very fantastic and the curriculum for her at this stage (Little Learners) is not as structured as I have hoped, unlike the formal I Can Read programme. It looks very ad hoc to me with badly photocopied worksheets and there is no contents page to tell us what to expect in the coming weeks or written note of the curriculum to parents. Also, we never get to observe the class so I have no clue what was done every week. As a formal teacher, these are tell tale signs of potential problems. After discussing with Sophie's principal in school, we also came to the conclusion that the Spalding Method taught in school is sufficient and she really does not need to get herself confused with other methods of learning how to read.

As for Berries, we only attended 2 sessions so far. I am not particularly impressed by the workbooks. The contents are simple and unattractive althought it is activity-based. The classroom management has been great though. There are at least 3 teachers I see in her class, each carrying out specific activities and the smaller groups are rotated among them. Frankly, I do not mind carrying on. However, the timing and location are not favorable to us. We have to rush there after lunch (1.30pm) and hang around for 1.5 hours. There isn't much at Junction 8 or anywhere nearby. After that, we are neither good for dinner or anything else. We still have to kill time before heading for dinner. Thus, Papa does not want to continue.

As for Act 3, we like it but again, location is bad although timing is okay. The place is very small and parking is a huge problem. If it rains (like last Saturday), we will face a lot of difficulties. Sadly, this is the only enrichment class Sophie actually likes. They spell out the focus of each lesson every week and they bother to chat with us about what they do in class. I think if they don't want us to watch the lesson, it is only fair that they debrief us or let us know exactly what they do in class.

But of course, I am only speaking from my own experience with them. I am sure they provide good enrichment lessons which is why I enrolled her in the first place. However, I think Papa is right. We should let her attend enrichment classes in her own school. Her teachers know her better and they know which area to focus on, especially when Chinese is concerned. They have Chinese Speech & Drama which hopefully can arouse her interest in the langauge, and Chinese enrichment classes that focus on the everyday usage (largely conversational and vocabulary expansion) of the language. We can also enroll her in English Speech & Drama class (trainer is one of Act 3 founders) and Dance class (we already did!). Thus, we probably will finish the term of existing enrichment classes and join the school's own programmes in term 2.

This would mean Sophie would no longer take naps in the afternoon and she would take her lunch in school. I would see her less in the day. We will probably do Chinese Speech & Drama (Monday), Chinese Enrichment (Tuesday), English Speech & Drama (Thursday) and Dance (Friday). Maybe Yamaha on weekends. I actually miss her but I know we would have more time together in the weekends.

New Year New Resolution

This year, I have a couple of major resolutions. First, I want to take care of myself a bit more. I have not been very conscious of my physical appearance or well-being since Sophie was born. Things got worse after Alfee was born. I look like I am perpetually in bed (PJ and all) and I hardly have my own time anymore. Thus, this morning, I forced myself to deposit Alfee with my helper and went into a salon to have my hair cut. Although I don't look very different, I feel more groomed. I would like to slowly replace my wardrobe which consists mainly of "over-worn" maternity wear, nursing wear and old t-shirts (at least 20 years old). When Alfee is a little older and does not need my milk anymore, I will start exercing and lose my excess weight. I would also like to work on an online business plan. Now I am still struggling to manage my kids so I need to take things slow. Hopefully, I can get something done before the end of the year. So, my friends... please support me.

New Year New Resolution

This year, I have a couple of major resolutions. First, I want to take care of myself a bit more. I have not been very conscious of my physical appearance or well-being since Sophie was born. Things got worse after Alfee was born. I look like I am perpetually in bed (PJ and all) and I hardly have my own time anymore. Thus, this morning, I forced myself to deposit Alfee with my helper and went into a salon to have my hair cut. Although I don't look very different, I feel more groomed. I would like to slowly replace my wardrobe which consists mainly of "over-worn" maternity wear, nursing wear and old t-shirts (at least 20 years old). When Alfee is a little older and does not need my milk anymore, I will start exercing and lose my excess weight. I would also like to work on an online business plan. Now I am still struggling to manage my kids so I need to take things slow. Hopefully, I can get something done before the end of the year. So, my friends... please support me.