Kindred But Broken Spirit

I am starting to read up on other suffers' experiences on Fibromyalgia and Sjogren's Syndrome. On one hand, I feel fortunate that my condition isn't half as bad as theirs, on the other hand, I'm saddened and frightened by the thought that eventually it will be.

Everyday, I have giddy spells, aches and pain and dryness in my eyes and mouth. I feel like throwing up and my tummy's bloated all the time. Nobody understands or empathizes with my condition. I am just a walking waste of time. I can't even remember things anymore, simple things like switching off lights or why I open the fridge door.

I have 2 young kids and that keeps me from just giving up on life. I hate my life now and I know I'll never feel good again. My mum probably went through this but never knew what hit her. That's why she was never happy. And that's why I find it hard to smile anymore. So please forgive me if you ever find my gloomy face a pain to see, if you only know what pain really means.

Stubborn Streak

I cut my fringe today. It's something I would never have done because the fringe is not likely to stay that way for long. It seems to have a stubborn streak, always parting at a particular spot. A lot like our human nature really. Once we have got used to something, be it an object, an idea or a lifestyle, we can't let it go and living without it becomes unthinkable, frightening even. I don't really believe I look better with a fringe. In fact, I find it a nuisance to have some hair covering my forehead. Yet I am willing to take a tiny step into an unfamiliar territory. I am hardly brave or adventurous. What do I have got to lose? 

My Dark Thoughts

My thoughts are random and incoherent lately. I wonder if it's got to do with the brain fog or I'm just confused and tired of thinking about the whole host of problems we have been facing since the beginning of this year. Sometimes I feel that any more of this 'thinking' and my brain would explode into tiny bits of toxin waste. I'm exhausted...physically, emotionally and mentally.

At times, I forget when I watch Ultraman. It gives me a good feeling even though it's meant for kids. The whole idea that there are superior beings out there who would sacrifice their lives to protect weaker living creatures like us with no strings attached. There's no expectation, no judgement and no need for any explanation.