So how exactly can we be mindful about our toxic thoughts so that we can react with more maturity towards our children in difficult times? I am definitely hopeful that I do not become a depressed or discouraged because of the stress of parenting. And most certainly, I do not want to be a short fused mum. We must start getting into the thought-finding habit since thinking patterns are habits too.
(Based on "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein)
4-Step Plan to Tune In to Toxic Thoughts
1. Listen to your toxic thoughts
· Listen for language of toxic thinking, e.g. “never” or “always”
· Give yourself reminder
· Write it down
· Keep our feelings out of the way
2. Pay attention to how we feel physically, e.g. sweaty palms, headaches, ringing of ears, loud voice or fatigue
· Know how it feels to be tensed and relaxed
· We are so tensed that we often think it is normal and healthy
· When tensed, find the source
3. Determine your triggers for toxic thinking
· Suspend ourselves from ceiling (step out and mentally watch our interaction with our children as it occurs)
· Keep track of power struggles and conflicts
· Realise stressors will change
4. Remain calm
With the awareness of toxic thoughts, we can deal with them better. Mindful parenting takes discipline, effort and maturity. Alternative thoughts will lead to alternative outcomes. We need to prove to ourselves that toxic thoughts are not real, but distortions.
· Find 3 exceptions to the behaviour
· Pretend we are not the parents
· Remember the big picture
· Write it down (positive stuff about ourselves and the child to buffer during challenging times)
We need to eye the prize (outcome) of our effort to eliminate toxic thoughts. It is not going to be easy but we can give ourselves prep talk, visualise an alternative ending, or use a mantra to get by.
