My Babies

By this time tomorrow, I will have Alfee in my arms. I am saying this with a heavy heart though because I am very nervous about the entire procedure and the coming week. Perhaps, I am not being very fair to Alfee because the bulk of my worries is how Sophie copes with my absence and his arrival. Having said that, I do anticipate Alfee's arrival with great joy and excitement. A new baby! My son! I will very soon be a mother of two beautiful children. No matter how much Sophie drives me up the wall, she is a beautiful little girl with a very innocent heart. She is always cheerful and enthusiastic to experience life and explore the world around her. I hope Alfee will also share her passion and sense of adventure. Certainly, I will raise them to be good companions to each other, keeping sibling rivalry to the minimum. After all, I never really enjoyed my childhood with my brother and sister and that is my lifelong regret.

Recently, I sang Sophie to sleep with "Rock-A-Bye-Baby". I came to realise how much she wants me to revert back to our old ways - I always sang to her when she was an infant in my arms. She must have missed that a lot but she does not know how to tell me. As she grew older, our expectations and the way we treat her change dramatically. We smile, sing and chat less to her. Instead, we frown, scold and reason with her more. We also spend more time on explicit learning and cut down on playing (just for the sake of playing) time. To her, I must have lost my sense of humour. She would stroke my forehead gently as I lay beside her at night, attempting to smoothen my frown. "Why are you angry?", "I don't want to make you angry.","I want to make you happy!" she would often say.

I feel sorry for her. I am not particular patient with children and she has to bear all my wrath and idiosyncrasies. I will haveto bear that in mind as I manage her from now on. After all, as mentioned by her principal, she is still "emotionally little" and I need to be "lovingly firm" with her. She is my precious baby (always will be) and I love her so much.

Last Lap

Alfee is currently 3.2 kg and ready to see the world next Wednesday. This time, we made a few changes to our birth and confinement plan. We booked a better hospital room and we intend to establish breastfeeding before we discharge. I am leaving the household chores and cooking to my domestic helper so even if my parents are around, they would be overworked. Although we still refuse to engage a confinement nanny, I believe I am definitely more experienced now to cope with a newborn. Also, we are equipped with better facilities now with changing tables, baby bouncer and gym mat. This time, I have made mental rehearsal of how things ought to be done, including Sophie in the process. I have not packed my hospital bag but the things are all put in the baby cot bed already.

My second pregnancy has been a difficult journey for me, partly because I have Sophie to attend to at the same time. I feel a little guilty that I have not been spending enough time or energy bonding with Alfee, compared to when I had Sophie. I was constantly bombarded with love hormones while I had Sophie, but I am always worried, tired and uptight nowadays. I have been very careful with my food intake as well so poor Alfee has not been enjoying much food. I also give Sophie a lot of attention and shower her with gifts to show that my love for her will only grow with the arrival of a new baby.

Suddenly, I feel very vulnerable and inadequate as a mother. I am not sure if I can provide Alfee with the same (or better) kind of quality care and education I have given Sophie. I am also not confident that Sophie will be getting enough of my attention and time once Alfee is born. I want to continue her home learning but I have not been very fruitful with my attempts. I got angry easily and my energy depleted even more easily. Things have not been moving much or smoothly at all. Sophie talks a lot more now but she has little interest for actual reading and her Chinese is still very amateurish. Maths is a problem as well. And she still does not want to start writing. I know she is only 2 years 8 months old but I want to start earlier before it is too late.