"求人不如求己"

I finally understood the meaning of "求人不如求己" and it all started with my attempt to look for a Chinese home tutor for Sophie. I have always been very resistant to teaching her Chinese, partly because I feel that I am not good enough. After my experience with the trial lesson I had arranged for Sophie, I am convinced that I can probably do the job better. At least I would do more research and use better materials. Even if my standard is not good enough, Sophie will somehow grasp the basics. My only foes - "时间" and "心有余而力不足".

Grief

Recently, I read about a 3-year-old girl who died after eating some hawker food in Indonesia. She died in her mother's arm while they were rushing to the hospital in a boat. Sophie is 2.5 years old. I cannot imagine losing her. Everytime I think about it, my heart would hurt with emptiness and despair. I probably would be overcome by grief if anything bad ever happen to her. Then I heard about my friend's miscarriage and I thought about my own pregnancy. It has been tough to care for Sophie at the same time. And this pregnancy has not been easy either. I doubt I could handle it well if anything should happento Alfee either. It must be really a struggle for any mother to cope with their loss and grief.

Grief

Recently, I read about a 3-year-old girl who died after eating some hawker food in Indonesia. She died in her mother's arm while they were rushing to the hospital in a boat. Sophie is 2.5 years old. I cannot imagine losing her. Everytime I think about it, my heart would hurt with emptiness and despair. I probably would be overcome by grief if anything bad ever happen to her. Then I heard about my friend's miscarriage and I thought about my own pregnancy. It has been tough to care for Sophie at the same time. And this pregnancy has not been easy either. I doubt I could handle it well if anything should happento Alfee either. It must be really a struggle for any mother to cope with their loss and grief.

Sushi Making Session (Gathering)

Our Sushi Making Session at Annie’s place yesterday was a great opportunity for me to take a break from “educating” and “managing” Sophie. It has been so tough for us to remain civilised to each other that I welcomed the few hours of relief with open arms. I needed to be in the company of adults again; I missed that so much.

I gathered a lot of insights about parenting this afternoon also. All the mummies there are overworked, extremely dedicated and very loving towards their children. Compared to them, my experience seems a lot less intense. Sophie is alright... normal at least. I just need to exercise patience and let her develop according to her own pace.

Sushi Making Session (Gathering)

Our Sushi Making Session at Annie’s place yesterday was a great opportunity for me to take a break from “educating” and “managing” Sophie. It has been so tough for us to remain civilised to each other that I welcomed the few hours of relief with open arms. I needed to be in the company of adults again; I missed that so much.

I gathered a lot of insights about parenting this afternoon also. All the mummies there are overworked, extremely dedicated and very loving towards their children. Compared to them, my experience seems a lot less intense. Sophie is alright... normal at least. I just need to exercise patience and let her develop according to her own pace.

Think-A-Lot On A Rainy Day

Ever since young, I have never considered myself a person who is blessed with close friends or kindred spirits. It just never happened. I used to fret over it and even cry over it, but now I just manage it. I know I do not think or act quite like others and I never will. I am envious of course when I see others getting all the support, encouragement and help from their peers. However, I know that it is important for me to be self reliant because ultimately no one can lead my life for me. In any case, I seldom ask that from my peers.

Think-A-Lot On A Rainy Day

Ever since young, I have never considered myself a person who is blessed with close friends or kindred spirits. It just never happened. I used to fret over it and even cry over it, but now I just manage it. I know I do not think or act quite like others and I never will. I am envious of course when I see others getting all the support, encouragement and help from their peers. However, I know that it is important for me to be self reliant because ultimately no one can lead my life for me. In any case, I seldom ask that from my peers.

Disciplining Sophie

It has been really challenging for the past month for me to carry out activities with Sophie and blog about them. We all took turns feeling down with flu. There were days that we could not keep our spirits high enough to be civilised with one another. It does not help when Alfee is demanding attention as well. He has been moving around a lot and he often pushes himself against my tummy, making it hard for me to breathe.

CK’s work load has also increased tremendously, compared to his previous job, so he has much less time with us on weekdays. To top it off, my parents has been sick as well. Thus, they have to keep their distance from Sophie. Although it is the June holidays and we do not attend Cherrytots, I find it hard to function normally.

I guess it is also around this period that Sophie’s need for “autonomy” goes into full swing. She struggles with daily wants and needs that cannot be easily satisfied by me. I am either stricken by fear for her safety or frustration for the lack of progress in our daily operations. Her ability to communicate has also improved so she can articulate her thoughts and feelings much better and her expectations on us to accommodate her have been raised by a few notches too. Thus, there is a lot more negotiating and arguing than before. Yet cognitively, she cannot understand our intentions and lack of compassion at her desperation for independence.

After doing some asking around and research, we tried to apply strategies that are widely used and promoted.

1. Offer Choices

Sophie has an issue with tasks like diaper change, toilet visits (toilet training now), bath and even meals. She would run and make us chase her around the house whenever we tell her it is time to do those tasks. So, we used to grab her screaming and kicking and “force” her to comply.

Nowadays I would offer her choices. I would let her know a few minutes earlier before it is time for the task and then give her the option.

For example,

“Do you want to walk to the bathroom yourself or do you want me to drag / carry you there?”

“You bathe now or sleep in the bathroom tonight!”

“Put away your toys or I will throw them away!”

2. Clear and Easy-To-Understand Rules

Sophie would sometimes hit us out of anger and frustrations or for fun. I used to give her my infamous glare and yell at her to stop doing that.

Nowadays, I give her a stern and low warning.

For example,

"YOU do not hit MUMMY!"

”Do that again and you are going to sit in the room by yourself!”

Sophie is quite a TV addict, so she would scream and cry when I switch the TV off. I used to just walk away and let her wail but it became a concern when she could reach and turn the TV back on again. Sometimes she even threw the remote control to vent her frustration.

Nowadays, she would switch off the TV herself (using the remote control) after a programme. It all started when I gave her clear conditions for watching TV. I told her if she wanted to watch TV, she could not cry or protest when I switch it off after the show. Once agreed, she could watch TV in peace and I let her switch the TV off herself.

3. Sense Of Control

I hated it when she demanded, “I want to do it myself!” although I should be proud of her. The problem is she loses interest and starts messing up whenever we let her have her way.

Nowadays, I “scotch tape” my eyes and let her try doing everything herself. However, I do not want her to think that I am giving in to her demands and cries. So, I would ask her if she wants to do it before she can demand to do it herself. When she loses interest or stops doing it, I would take over and the rest would be smooth sailing.

4. Distraction

This is probably the most used method for us. We used it whenever Sophie gets obsessed with something that we cannot provide for her. I must give credit to Papa though. In order to distract her from some impending tantrum, he would cup his hands and say to her, "Look Sophie, what's inside? It's fresh air!" However, we found that she remembers too well and the distraction cannot last long, unfortunately.

5. “Naughty Corner”

I never really like the idea of a naughty corner. It is like an escape route for bad behaviour and it makes Sophie seem “naughty”. Thus, I would direct her to her playroom or bedroom and leave her alone while I cool off. Of course she would wail and try to come out, but I would direct her back. I think it is my own anger that needs to be managed and this method works for me. On its own, it does not really do much for Sophie’s behaviour.

6. Ignore

Sophie is very dramatic whenever she throws a tantrum. She would plunge into my arms and beg for my forgiveness, "It's my fault, I am so sorry!". Then she would cling on to me and pleaded for a hug and a kiss. She is smart because I would not be able to scold her since she does most of the talking. I used to get so frustrated that I just walk off with her following behind. Realising that she is relentless in her pursuit, I make sure she stays out of my sight and vice versa. I think “ignoring” helps to demonstrate that tantrums does not get anyone anywhere.

In a nutshell, I am always struggling to discipline her and that really wears me out. On one hand, I am tempted to use the “quick fix” and “terrorise” her into compliance. On the other, I know that is not a good parenting strategy and it does not help her develop self discipline. So by the end of the day, I am frustrated, exhausted and guilty. Currently, I am retreating and doing research again on parenting and discipline. Hopefully, I can learn something good.

Disciplining Sophie

It has been really challenging for the past month for me to carry out activities with Sophie and blog about them. We all took turns feeling down with flu. There were days that we could not keep our spirits high enough to be civilised with one another. It does not help when Alfee is demanding attention as well. He has been moving around a lot and he often pushes himself against my tummy, making it hard for me to breathe.

CK’s work load has also increased tremendously, compared to his previous job, so he has much less time with us on weekdays. To top it off, my parents has been sick as well. Thus, they have to keep their distance from Sophie. Although it is the June holidays and we do not attend Cherrytots, I find it hard to function normally.

I guess it is also around this period that Sophie’s need for “autonomy” goes into full swing. She struggles with daily wants and needs that cannot be easily satisfied by me. I am either stricken by fear for her safety or frustration for the lack of progress in our daily operations. Her ability to communicate has also improved so she can articulate her thoughts and feelings much better and her expectations on us to accommodate her have been raised by a few notches too. Thus, there is a lot more negotiating and arguing than before. Yet cognitively, she cannot understand our intentions and lack of compassion at her desperation for independence.

After doing some asking around and research, we tried to apply strategies that are widely used and promoted.

1. Offer Choices

Sophie has an issue with tasks like diaper change, toilet visits (toilet training now), bath and even meals. She would run and make us chase her around the house whenever we tell her it is time to do those tasks. So, we used to grab her screaming and kicking and “force” her to comply.

Nowadays I would offer her choices. I would let her know a few minutes earlier before it is time for the task and then give her the option.

For example,

“Do you want to walk to the bathroom yourself or do you want me to drag / carry you there?”

“You bathe now or sleep in the bathroom tonight!”

“Put away your toys or I will throw them away!”

2. Clear and Easy-To-Understand Rules

Sophie would sometimes hit us out of anger and frustrations or for fun. I used to give her my infamous glare and yell at her to stop doing that.

Nowadays, I give her a stern and low warning.

For example,

"YOU do not hit MUMMY!"

”Do that again and you are going to sit in the room by yourself!”
Sophie is quite a TV addict, so she would scream and cry when I switch the TV off. I used to just walk away and let her wail but it became a concern when she could reach and turn the TV back on again. Sometimes she even threw the remote control to vent her frustration.

Nowadays, she would switch off the TV herself (using the remote control) after a programme. It all started when I gave her clear conditions for watching TV. I told her if she wanted to watch TV, she could not cry or protest when I switch it off after the show. Once agreed, she could watch TV in peace and I let her switch the TV off herself.

3. Sense Of Control

I hated it when she demanded, “I want to do it myself!” although I should be proud of her. The problem is she loses interest and starts messing up whenever we let her have her way.

Nowadays, I “scotch tape” my eyes and let her try doing everything herself. However, I do not want her to think that I am giving in to her demands and cries. So, I would ask her if she wants to do it before she can demand to do it herself. When she loses interest or stops doing it, I would take over and the rest would be smooth sailing.

4. Distraction

This is probably the most used method for us. We used it whenever Sophie gets obsessed with something that we cannot provide for her. I must give credit to Papa though. In order to distract her from some impending tantrum, he would cup his hands and say to her, "Look Sophie, what's inside? It's fresh air!" However, we found that she remembers too well and the distraction cannot last long, unfortunately.

5. “Naughty Corner”

I never really like the idea of a naughty corner. It is like an escape route for bad behaviour and it makes Sophie seem “naughty”. Thus, I would direct her to her playroom or bedroom and leave her alone while I cool off. Of course she would wail and try to come out, but I would direct her back. I think it is my own anger that needs to be managed and this method works for me. On its own, it does not really do much for Sophie’s behaviour.

6. Ignore

Sophie is very dramatic whenever she throws a tantrum. She would plunge into my arms and beg for my forgiveness, "It's my fault, I am so sorry!". Then she would cling on to me and pleaded for a hug and a kiss. She is smart because I would not be able to scold her since she does most of the talking. I used to get so frustrated that I just walk off with her following behind. Realising that she is relentless in her pursuit, I make sure she stays out of my sight and vice versa. I think “ignoring” helps to demonstrate that tantrums does not get anyone anywhere.

In a nutshell, I am always struggling to discipline her and that really wears me out. On one hand, I am tempted to use the “quick fix” and “terrorise” her into compliance. On the other, I know that is not a good parenting strategy and it does not help her develop self discipline. So by the end of the day, I am frustrated, exhausted and guilty. Currently, I am retreating and doing research again on parenting and discipline. Hopefully, I can learn something good.

Alfee, My Boy

I am always worried at the clinic during our check-ups. There is a whole host of potential problems, including gestational diabetes, to worry about. Fortunately, I only put on 1.4 kg for the past month and 500g went to Alfee. He is currently around 1.26 kg, which is a good weight. I wonder how heavy he would be by the time he is 40 weeks old. I hope we can maintain a good 2kg increase of weight per month till end August.

Validation

I received a comment from a complete stranger about one of my video uploads of Sophie. It was posted in September last year and she was doing a bean mosiac then. At that time, we were still participating in the Open-ended Art organised by an American blogger mummy. She was asking me for details to our craft because she was using it for her Early Childhood Education. Of course, I referred her to my blog. I feel so encouraged by the comments.

Although I know I am hardly qualified in Early Childhood Education, there should be things I do right with Sophie. And open-ended art is probably one of them. Unfortunately, we have stopped doing open-ended art ever since my American blogger friend stopped hosting it with her weekly themes. Maybe I should do my own themes. Anyway, I always believe in sharing of information and knowledge to promote progress.

Validation

I received a comment from a complete stranger about one of my video uploads of Sophie. It was posted in September last year and she was doing a bean mosiac then. At that time, we were still participating in the Open-ended Art organised by an American blogger mummy. She was asking me for details to our craft because she was using it for her Early Childhood Education. Of course, I referred her to my blog. I feel so encouraged by the comments.

Although I know I am hardly qualified in Early Childhood Education, there should be things I do right with Sophie. And open-ended art is probably one of them. Unfortunately, we have stopped doing open-ended art ever since my American blogger friend stopped hosting it with her weekly themes. Maybe I should do my own themes. Anyway, I always believe in sharing of information and knowledge to promote progress.