PFS

I went to NEX with KK last Wednesday for kopi and we toured the library after that. The library was new and the selection was encouraging. My interest in library has been consequently rekindled. A book caught my eye straight away and the title is "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

Those who know me probably understand why I am particularly driven to read this book. Sophie has been my constant challenge for sanity. I find myself asking why I just cannot keep my cool with her and I feel like a failure as a mother and a teacher. I cannot teach her anything except my daily frustrations and desperation. I cannot look her in the eye without showing my disapproval for whatever she is doing or failing to do. Honestly, I fear that one day she will stop loving me and I will lose her. After all, I am not as “fun” to be with and I am always the one to discipline her.

I have been told too often that my expectations for her are too high so I am never satisfied with her progress and performance. It may be all true but it also makes me feel very guilty and excuses her from all responsibilities. It suggests that the problem lies with me – the mother. Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine with her. Well, that’s probably because no one feels as responsible for her well being, education, and future as me. I have the whole weight of her success or failure in life on my shoulders. And of course, it does not help when others casually make remarks, attributing her behaviour to me.

In the book, the author discussed the Parent Frustration Syndrome (PFS), something every parent would inevitably experience but struggle to admit openly and deal with honestly. We love our children (of course) yet we really cannot stand their behaviour or traits. For Sophie and me, we are in a “love-hate relationship” (we love each other but we can’t stand each other).

And this PFS is fuelled by our own toxic thoughts, which has a powerful impact and influence on how we feel and react in our interaction with our children. They create their own reality and drive toxic behaviours in families. In short, we need to be aware of such toxic thoughts and start doing something about it so that they will not take control of our lives. Ultimately, the success of our parenting is driven by how we view and react to our children, especially during challenging times. And we do have the freedom to choose how we think, feel and react towards our children. For instance, we can do self-talk.

When I was expecting Sophie and doing my masters in counselling, I promised her (and myself) not to be a toxic parent. I wanted to be the best mum ever for her and give her a wonderful childhood. All well and good until our world expanded and others come into play. When the "Jones" moved in, our relationship fell apart. I started expecting more from her and she began to rebel in her own way. Now I have become a terror. She is fearful of me and my anger. I have become a toxic parent with toxic thoughts. Despite all, I doubt anyone understands what I am going through. I have so much anger, fears and guilt that I am never truly happy at all.

To be cont'd...