Down & Out

I thought I would have more energy and time for Sophie during my "honeymoon" second trimester. I could not be more wrong, apparently. My morning sickness still persists and on top of that, I have to deal with hives as well. Also, I have to do an amniocentesis in 2 weeks and wait 2 more weeks for the results. By the time I know if XD is ok, my second trimester would be soon over. There isn't a single day that I feel great and full of energy ever since the beginning of the year. And lately, I really feel the weight on my shoulders. I cry almost everyday about the possibility of losing XD.

I have to train Sophie to get her ready for Nursery 1 in July - toilet training and self-feeding. I also have to train her to sleep without me. I need to keep my body healthy and watch my diet to prevent Gestational Diabetes. I must protect XD from Sophie - sometimes she would try to sit on me or climb all over me. I need to prepare my confinement menu and allocate work to everyone so that I can concentrate on milk production. I need to train my domestic helper to take over some of my responsibities with Sophie. On top of that, I worry about XD a lot. I have stopped shopping for baby stuff for the moment but if all goes well, I would have to prepare the nursery room in April.

Honestly, I feel overwhelmed and scared. I doubt I can cope with everything. I am still working on overcoming my driving phobia. It's something that nobody takes seriously, unfortunately. No one seems to understand how much it has affected me and how much I want to overcome it. At the same time, it's not something that I can just "drive and overcome". It took me 10 years to bring myself to learn driving, how long would I need to start driving? It saddens me everytime I think about it.

There is so much to bear and so little of me to do it. I am so weak and I am starting to tremble under the weight. Yet Sophie needs a strong mummy. She is a highly sensitive child who needs to be managed well. I am so tired and worn out. The weather does not help. Thank goodness, my domestic helper can take over the household chores with minimal supervision.

I really worry about how things would be like when I am due. I have to do a c-section again and I hate the thought of dealing with an unforgiving 2-yr-old then. I wish I could just give up. I am only human.